Crimson Peak review

My grandpa and I went to see this the other day. It was Seniors Tuesday, you see. What I love about movie nights with my gramps is that right as the credits roll (which he insists on sitting through), he’ll give me his review. You know what he said this time?

“If I were Guillermo del Toro, I would want to be kept anonymous on this movie.”

To his credit, Del Toro creates a lavish gothic melodrama that’s gorgeous to look at. There’s a loving attention to detail on the sets, right down to the last moth. Usually I hate movie wigs, but I was in love with Jessica Chastain’s ridiculous Morticia Addams homage.

Credit: Legendary Pictures

Unfortunately, Crimson Peak is boring as f-ck.

The film starts promising enough, with Edith (Mia Wasikowska) rebelling against societal norms to make it as a writer. She bristles when an editor tells her she needs to add a love story to her manuscript. But that’s the last we ever hear of her hopes and dreams because she quickly falls in love with and marries Thomas Sharpe (Loki Tom Hiddleston). It takes at least half an hour before we even get to see Crimson Peak, a.k.a. The Haunted Mansion. (Is the name supposed to be a metaphor for virginity? Never mind.)

Edith moves in with Thomas and his bitchy sister, Lucille (Chastain). It’s painfully obvious to us that Edith’s new sister-in-law is poisoning her tea, because of the crazy looks she and Thomas keep making. Wasikowska’s talent is wasted as she spends the rest of the movie looking scared whenever another CGI ghost shows up. The outcome is predictable, and you hope Edith would hurry up and figure it out so we can take a bathroom break.

I wish I cared more about Hiddleston, because it’s clear this film caters to his fans. There are a lot of money shots of his steely blue eyes and a whole three-second shot of his bare ass. You know who I would rather see more of? Charlie Hunnam, whose character gets friend-zoned by Edith early on in the movie.