Batman v Superman didn’t suck ass

SPOILER FREE

I never thought I’d be writing that headline, but that’s the beauty of having low expectations. I came in expecting the movie to blow, and instead begrudgingly found myself liking it.

That said, “not sucking” doesn’t equal “excellent.” Good GOD, this movie takes itself so seriously. There is zero irony, because everything everyone says is uttered with maximum melodrama. Jesse Eisenberg seemed to be the only one aware of this and cranked the camp up to 100. And that’s a good thing. All the characters are brooding so hard, I was grateful every time he came back on screen. He unintentionally became the comic relief of a movie that would have black painted nails if it were a person.

And even though I’d been dreading seeing Ben Affleck play Batman, he did a really good job. I’d say he gave a much better performance than human wax figure, Henry Cavill, who spends most of the movie sulking because Superman isn’t popular anymore. Maybe that’s for the best, since Cavill should talk less. Amy Adams doesn’t do anything for me as Lois Lane, but maybe that’s just personal preference. There’s an unnecessary subplot where Lois has to investigate something, but kudos for giving her character something to do. Otherwise she would be relegated to professional “face cradler”.

Gal Gadot has a great entrance as Wonder Woman, but she doesn’t talk much either. We’ll have more time for that in her spinoff movie, I guess. Otherwise, her costume update is cool, if impractical (heels, really?).

I’m going to say something that will anger many of you, but here goes: Batman v Superman is way more fun than Avengers: Age of Ultron. The pace is quick enough that we don’t linger too long on any one character, no matter how unnecessary their subplot is. And there’s no banter while fighting. I hate that.

Also, Batfleck should not be Sadfleck. I woke up this morning to a meme of Ben Affleck sulking over bad reviews, but Batman v Superman is has just crossed $200 million worldwide. So will there be another one? Probably. It has to make at least one billion, and it’s already had a strong opening.

I’ve attached photos of the cast at the premiere, including Adams in her favorite periwinkle dress. I was going to say Eisenberg looks uncomfortable, but on second thought it’s more like relaxed discomfort. Gadot looks beautiful, but I’m not sure what good red velvet is for other than on Christmas elves.