Actually, I take that back. I heard a few women speak, but only when it pertained to sex or servicing Jesse Eisenberg’s character. The rest of it is mostly men talking on phones about important business stuff.

From what I can gather, Café Society is a ‘30s love story about a young man (Eisenberg) who tries to make it as an agent in Hollywood. There, he falls in love with his boss’ (Steve Carell) girl, played by Kristen Stewart. Years later, he’s given up on Hollywood and moves back to New York, only to rekindle his romance with Stewart’s character, who’s now married said boss. Oh, but Eisenberg’s character also has a thing for a socialite, played by Blake Lively.

F-ck off.

Remember when Amy Schumer performed at the Apollo, and she was talking about how Kevin James once played a zookeeper that Rosario Dawson and another hot blonde were just dying to sleep with?

Eisenberg is basically reprising his role in Adventureland, only instead of choosing between Kristen Stewart and Margarita Levieva, he’s torn between Kristen Stewart and Blake Lively.

Eisenberg is finally fulfilling his destiny in playing the Woody Allen type character he was always meant to play, surrounded by beautiful women who are only there to serve as archetypes. Lively is really stretching her acting ability by playing the Hot Girl in pretty dresses. Stewart’s character, who’s dressed in the manic pixie dream girl starter kit, probably could’ve been played by Emma Stone, but I’m hoping she woke up and thought WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

Café Society will open the Cannes Film Festival next month. Because no matter how much sh-t Allen has been putting out lately, Cannes will always give him a warm welcome. Why do you think all these actresses are killing themselves to work with him? Despite the bad press and bad movies, Allen is still a Big Deal.

For every Blue Jasmine, he’s also made bombs like Irrational Man, Magic in the Moonlight and To Rome With Love. Allen’s made so many turds, he’s due for another hit.

Image credit: GC Images

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